I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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