Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
