You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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