When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
