wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
