I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
