I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
