I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
