i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
