My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
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