His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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