I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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