I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
