I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
