There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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