she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
