you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
