u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
