meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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