People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
