the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
