so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
