we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
