...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
