i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
