So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
