Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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