I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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