M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
