Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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