i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
