It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
