census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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