Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
