I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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