Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
