Will you blow on my dice?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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