theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
