After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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