Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
