Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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