I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
