I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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