I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
As shirtless as possible
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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