There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
