I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize