What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
