I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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