I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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