mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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