omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
