I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
