Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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