if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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