I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just had sex on a roof
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
