this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
