dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
